Changes


Well, once I made a decision to stop chasing company just for the sake of it, I haven't had very much to do besides read, sleep, and reflect. I have mainly slept a lot. It's also the first time since I was a small child that I would rather read than go socialize.  Generally, I come home from work, read for around an hour and just go to bed. I have gone to bed before 9 most nights this week (I am not sure how I have been able to sleep so muchion - I also supposed tonight is an exception since I am awake at 3:30 writing this). I also feel like I am at a point in my life where I am finally ready to settle down a bit. Most likely not ready for marriage, but at least  ready for something serious.

I guess I am writing because I know I should be doing more than what I just wrote with my time and want to plan out better use of it (or at least come to peace with this recent change).  Yet, while there is so much more I "could" be doing, but I just feel like I have done a lot of it. I guess I should also remind myself, the desire to constantly be doing something is also what I am fighting against. I want to be at peace, not to be perpetually ecstatic.

For the times when I do go out, I also need to think of all the people I would like to spend time with. I need to surround myself with friends who help me grow. They are mostly older, reflective people largely drawn from my circle of friends at the UU. Though lately, it seems like books are beginning to offer the most promise. That said, the idea of hanging out with dusty tomes seems silly. There has to be more to life than sitting around staring at printed words (or lights flashing on a screen for that matter).

I also can't decide if this realization has pushed me one step closer to moving away. I am feeling the allure of NYC again (or at least a city with more young adults as I slowly graduate from the college stage) as well as a general desire to go wander.

I suppose this is just an adjustment period. Contentment doesn't come easy. I scribbled something in my notebook the other day: "if I want to be at peace I am going to have to stop embracing my restless spirit." I am not sure if that is true, but I am def going to need to brush it aside during the periods of my life where I am not  in a position to wander. I guess that's the point of what I was writing. To control my thoughts and desires. To live deliberately and not be subject to every little whim. I guess that's where I am at. I made a decision to change and I want to stick with it.