Sad songs make me smile sometimes
I guess I let the music do the feeling for me
cause numb is easy to deal with
and this medicine makes it effortless
I do try, I really do
but I have to just laugh at myself sometimes
I am totally, emotionally clueless
Ideas make me smile so much more
I am taking a break for a while
from feeling
from the meds
from people
Just going in the woods for a while
to sit
like a good little Buddhist
breathe a little easier


______


I am back off of the meds, and back to my old habits. I sat in bed all day Saturday just recooping from a few nights out. I needed to study, but I feel confident I can wing it. I feel less of the other emotions and feel my own again. The swirling thoughts, the constant ideas, the chatter. I missed it. It's like an old friend. I felt unfaithful. It's a different set of feelings. I feel like it is firework and sparks going off and an occasional mental equivalent of a cold winter wind. The annoying side effect is also gone. I feel my RAWRRR for life coming back though. My excitement, my fast talking, my passion, my eat shit grin. I really do like who I am even if it is more difficult for people to deal with me.

On the meds I felt the sort of powerful, overwhelming feelings I always read about in books and heard people talk about. They are nice, I am glad I experienced them, but I just have my own way of processing the world. I am used to it. I have been on the meds a month and I am going to take about that long off of them since I have a break from school. I think I can do finals without them. I didn't like feeling like someone had popped me in the head with a bat. I just sat there and smiled and nodded. It could certainly be good in some situations though.

I am a little emotionally detached after two awkward moments this past weekend with people I cared about and I just sort of turned everything off. I really don't care to think about it - I really don't know how I feel about it I just decided, for once, to not think about it. I did find I was able to control myself very well emotionally. I just kept saying - "it's not productive. I don't want to talk about it" - and I didn't. It put it behind me and don't really dwell on it. I am just leaning on my instinct/intuition a little more and not second guessing it and reevaluating it. I feel at peace with things, but it's a very different feeling than before. Playing with one's head is a strange business.

On more practical matters, I am studying, but distracted. I still get stuff done though. Procrastination isn't a terrible thing.