Good book on ADHD and my reflections

I just started reading Attention Deficit Disorder: The Unfocused Mind in Children and Adults and it feels like therapy as I turn each page . I would certainly suggest it to anyone who wants to know more (it offers a good mix of personal accounts and a good account of the biochemical, neurological and cognitive aspects of the condition)... though I will say it's leaving me with a strange mix of emotions. I can't get over the conflicting thoughts of feeling broken, wanting to change and yet wanting to be able to "fix myself" on my own and being unable to do so without medication.I hadn't realized how many different areas of my life this condition has impacted. On a spiritual level if I start taking medication it means i many ways I am letting go of these distinctly American notions of individuality and admit that I am finally fully committing myself to "the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part." It also means I have a lot of explaining to do people in my past.

It's just so hard to read this book, look back at my life and many of my biggest problems, and see the similarities between my own life and the stories of those shared on each page. I see myself now and cannot help but look back to all the situations where I have been socially awkward, late, forgetful, antsy, hurt people I cared about, stressed myself out for no reason, and struggled in areas where I should't have had to. It just seems so improbable that they could all be tied to this single issue.

I still don't know if I will find a pharmacological or therapeutic solution to the issue either so I guess I m rather hesitant to throw my attention towards change rather than just accepting who I am and being more clear with others about the disconnect between my desires and actions and the level of understanding that is needed when bring my friend. I like me and would rather just find people who like me too rather than trying to do what I need to do fit in more easily with others and in the "professional" world.

That being said, the biggest appeal of the drugs is not increased academic or work performance. I don't think I would start them if that was the reason. After reading/talking/reflecting I feel like the potential for clarity in my thoughts is too appealing to pass up. My biggest desire has been to sedate my restless, wandering spirit and find lasting meaning and purpose. I want to be able to be happy with the situations I am in and with the people I have in my life. I want to be able to control my emotions and express myself clearly. I want to be able to set my mind to do things, think it through as far as I can without getting distracted, and then be satisfied with my decision.