Chasing my tail

It would take a lifetime
to unlearn everything I know
and start again
Even if I had the time
I've already conceded I don't have the capacity
Maybe that's why I set my standards at perfection
so I can stay distracted by the chase
then I think of Ecclesiastes
"chasing after the wind"
but if god is perfection
maybe that's the same thing...
I wish it was that simple

More than anything I want meaning. I want purpose. I suppose for a long time I felt I would be able to find that in someone else. That this fairy tale romance would come along and somehow reveal to me what I have been missing in my life. Yes, I want some one who is pretty and healthy and wants to start a family and who might share my disparate interests in film, gardening, photography, ect... but I actually found all of that, and still I thirst. The single quality I want more than anything has remained elusive. I want peace with the way and direction I lead my life. I want someone who has that and makes me believe in what they believe in. I feel like the ways in which most people (mine included most of the time) are mindless distractions and almost entirely futile. I think most people feel like as long as they are helping others, they are living with meaning. I can't help but question that. Why is it good to save people? Why is it good to save Earth? Why does any of it matter?

I feel like a lot of the things people value are as thin as paper lanterns, like I could pierce them with a pencil. And when I ask questions, I tend to do just that. Sometimes I feel like I am just walking down the beach jumping on sandcastles or knocking down little kids towers of blocks. I have a hard time identifying and uniting myself with someone who views the world on such simple terms. It might be the fact that I don't have the faith in anyone to live by their own terms, to live an honest life by the things they say they really care about. Or maybe I really do think about things more critically.

I always finding myself concerned with the biggest of problems... sustainability of the human species, health of our planet, the structure of government and society, human suffering, global economies and human capacity in general and specifically to understand "god" (and other "spiritual" things). Often times that comes at the expense of the life that I live, the things I do with my time and how I deal with the problems that come up in the lives of my friends. It's hard enough to simply turn my attention from these inescapable, monstrous problems to the little things. It's even harder to turn my attention towards these little things and not feel like I am selling myself short or to spend a good portion of my time focused on one person. I feel like I have the capacity to do so much, I just don't know what's worth putting my time into. I feel guilty for simply enjoying life and ignoring these things.

The main thing I realized is that I hoped to find someone else to help me find meaning/purpose, but I think I am going to have to find it on my own before I will be able to settle down and be happy joining my life with another person indefinitely. I guess I knew that all along though since I have been kicking my marriage plans a decade into the future...

I have too much going on in my head right now - I just wish I could stop this endless cycle. I guess I should stop typing since I am starting to wander and not tie it all together, but I am glad I got some of it out. I will sort it out over the next few weeks.