Summary, Directions, Aporia

For the past few months I have been coming to terms with who I am and letting my self-image break into pieces. It was painful. I had to admit a lot of stuff that I had just sort of brushed aside and buried. But now I feel like I am much stronger, much more open, and after having a little taste of heartache myself, I am in a much better position to relate to others. I feel very genuine.

In the process, I have let myself go on a few distractions (trips, people, hobbies, girls, ect) to take my mind of of bad thought processes I was getting caught in (for a while I was just wallowing in bad ideas and running my mind in circles) but now I need to face the conclusions I have come to over the past few months.

Over the summer, the things I viewed as blessings began to be viewed as burdens if I really wanted to give myself a chance to become whatever I wanted. My self exploration required a freedom that I didn't have. I was tied to my house, tied to Columbia, tied to cash flow, tied to my resume, tied to memories of an old relationship.... Now, my house is rented, my bills are eliminated for the most part and I have no real commitments after I take my CAIA test in two weeks, and I'm reasonably comfortable doing things on my own, though a partner in crime would be nice. I've tried to make a responsible exit from everything, and I think I will still pursure my CFA and CAIA designations but I am not going to let these types of things direct my pursuits. They will be important, yet secondary considerations.

I am going to let myself go where the wind takes me. Right now, I think the first step will be some pursuit of spiritual clarity, probably in the woods somewhere, away from familiar influences (family, music, television, ect). I hope this process will enable me to piece together a few simple principles that I can use to guide myself in my day to day life. Right now, I feel like I have so many competing (and contradictory) ideas inside my head. I feel like I need to just erase everything and begin from the top... my ideas on love, my ideas on success, my ideas on material possession, my ideas of a good time, or a good person. Right now I can make judgments but they are scattered and vary from scenario to scenario.

And now I remember Mr.Neruda... "forgetting lasts so long"

Finding a purpose is what matters. Then I can start setting some real goals and working towards them.

Like most things I do, this adventure will be multipurpose. The other reason for doing so is to give up a few things I think I am addicted to. Primarily my phone, the internet, Facebook, and things of that ilk. They are very big distractions for me right now. I have never once voluntarily given up something I have enjoyed for more than a few passing moments. In a lot of ways I guess it is like lent.

I also want to connect with the earth on a very raw biological level. I feel like we, as modern humans, don't really know what it means to be an animal, which we are. I want to fast and experience real hunger, crap in the woods, face some of the milder elements, grow a beard, hunt/scavenge for some of my food, be forced to contend with my own thoughts in the solitude of the woods and entertain myself with what I can find. I got a taste of this going down the Congaree River for a few days and really enjoyed it. I think it will be a good experience to carry with me me throughout the rest of my life.