Relapse

It used to bother me every day
then a few times a week
then once a week
and my last few episodes of breaking down
have been weeks apart
So it's definitely getting better
and I see that it really is hormonal
and a lot like an addiction
----
the problem was that I trusted her
more than I trusted myself
thankfully, she has lied enough
and shown enough cowardice
revealing the truth
to prove, that shes not the person I thought
which gives me what I have needed all along
the faith of my convictions
I clearly see what's unfolding
but this part of me
the same part that feels bad
for not believing in Santa
begs for its case to be heard
and I used to give in...
(that's part of the problem too
I'm in love with an idea, not a person)
I've really just needed closure
and she hasn't been willing to give it to me
---
but It makes a little more sense now
she said she doesn't know who I am anymore
but this same curious mind has always been there
but when I consider the moment in time we met
a time when my ego was at it's peak
it makes a little more sense
it starts to click
I was a real dick when I met her
that's probably what she was attracted to
a guy with a clear plan
even if it was just to make some money
I was trying to climb the ladder
at the world's largest hedge fund
I wanted her just for pleasure
and I wasn't interested in a relationship
now that it's over
and my priorities are changing
she can't relate
I sigh, thinking it had to be more than that
but there isn't a real reason
save the few moments we shared
where she saw how my mind works
but if that was it...
then it should come as no surprise
I was never dedicated to an ending
just a pursuit:
and I was looking for someone
for the journey