I feel like a fool
for sitting patiently
and doing what I was told
a friend said I was a puppydog
and there was some truth to that
I was broken into obedience
but that's over
I feel a little strung along
that she sat and watched
from a safe distance
and didn't at least speak up
---
The person I knew might be living
but they have been buried alive
That's a strange kind of funeral
but either way I've gotta do some mourning
---
I am tired of feeling bad for my mistakes
if I haven't shown that I care by now
I will never be able to
If she doesn't care by now
she never will
---

Time to list all the things I need to say goodbye to:

-A conversation that I clung to

her: that is how I feel too
i am so scared of loosing you long term
but right now its not working
but just ruining what we had
and I dont want to destroy it or fight

me: do you think I am doing anything wrong right now?

her: no

me: ok
i thought i have been trying really
hard not argue or fight, and do what you say

her: ha, you have been great
and that is why I was even more scared to tell you this stuff
because that weekend really did change alot

me: i was starting to feel like a doormat

her: oh god, I am so sorry, you are not
you are someone I don't want to lose

me: I felt like you were just pushing me away
so you could be comfortable and just forget about me
and go frolic with people who put your mind at ease

her: ha
no
I was pushing because I knew I wanted you here

me: well why didn't you let me get close after I visited?
you were afraid it would hurt more?

her: yes

me: we made the list, but didn't do anything on it

her: I got scared how much I wanted it

----

-The words I thought made it clear, for a person I have not seen in a long time. Hard to believe I wrote this 6 months ago.

You seem to be caught up in all the things you weren't to me, and I hate myself for that, because there were so many good things that you meant to me. I thought you knew all of them, but I guess I didn't say them enough. I loved your heart. I loved how you cared about others. I loved how you loved me. I loved how you could stand the heat of a thousand flames to defend what you believed in. I loved your innocence. I loved your desire to be a better person. I loved how you would stand by a person no matter what. I loved how you fit in with my family. I loved your writing. I loved how you could stop and admire little things like a flower or a small child. I loved how we were when we did thing together. I loved how strong you were... but I think overestimated it. The sad part is, that's one of the first things I called out on you. I should have known better. I never meant to put on your shoulders more than you could bear.

In some ways I hoped that when I visited you, you wouldn't have wanted to see me. I would have known whatever we had was dead, and that I just needed to move on. I had realized after our fight on NYE how much everything I had done over the past year had really just broken you to pieces. I could accept the fact that I might have unknowingly caused irreparable damage to the relationship. I knew you were guarding yourself over the phone so I had to see your face to know how you really felt. I also thought you were hurting and needed a hug. I thought for the first few moments you might have been faking a smile, but I realized that was just shock. When I saw you, I knew you still loved me. I have only seen you that happy a few times. You didn't stop smiling for hours that night.

That's why I have been fighting for you the last few weeks. I didn't want whatever that thing was to die. I knew I could make you happy, and I realized that you made me happy. I wasn't sure if either of us would be able to find that again. I am not saying we are perfect for each other, but what we had was special. Right now it feels like whatever we had is pretty much dead, but the worst part is I don't see any real way of reviving it, since I doubt we will see each other in person again. I knew that, and that's why I kept fighting. I didn't want to lose you forever. As much as I might like to believe "it's not goodbye, it's see you later" I don't see how things can do anything but fizzle out.

Right after NYE you told me I really had to be more sensitive and I showed you a side of me I rarely show anyone. After I visited, I knew I had to give you space. I knew the closer I pulled you, the farther I was going to push you away, so I did my best to keep my distance.Then you threw me a curveball and I really didn't know what to think. I wasn't mad at you, I understood why you did what you did. You wanted what I hadn't been giving you and what I wasn't able to provide for you because I wasn't physically there. What bothered me the most was that I knew I could provide either of those had I known you needed them earlier. Distance is just a matter of packing up and moving and I think you know I can be tender, I have always given it to you when you needed it.

Anyway, I was just really hurt. My (somewhat) calm collected composure just went out of the window. All of my ability to stay strong and let you have space melted and I turned into a needy little child. It would have been easy for me to deal with what you were telling me, but I needed you to walk me through it. Reassure me. I was hurting inside. I just needed you to tell me you still loved me and cared about me. But, I think you felt in more than one way, I was trying to manipulate you so I understood your reservations. I knew why you were pushing me away - I just wanted you to see that I really did want the best for you. I just needed your help for a little while.

The saddest part is that until mid-January I don't think either of was intentionally trying to hurt the other person. It was a total miscommunication.

---

Words that ate at me... and made me want to make it all better

her: I felt like I made up a lot of our relationship, that I could have been this stupid before, and not sure if I was. That I was what you wanted, I tried really hard to fix that and now you are gone and I am alone again