Relief

I've never been in a tornado, but I think we've all seen enough movies to know the scene when the storm is over and those who live step outside to take in the destruction. There is always a penetrating silence that saturates the survivors in that moment - an appreciation for the fragility of their own life and the raw power that just spared them.

I feel that way now.

Over the past two months and particularly the past 6 days I have essentially encouraged bulldozers to drive through my emotional living quarters and what they missed, I handled personally with a sledge hammer. Now i'm just sitting back on the sofa surrounded by blue skies and a cool breeze.

Now time to tackle the foundation.

When I was at Earthaven, we were sitting around the fire drinking and eventually the topic gravitated to what I enjoy talking about most... What gives your life meaning. I basically gave my spiel about the futility of it all. In the end when I was really honest about it I decided it was something new. All I really cared about was my mothers (and my nieces love).

I bring that up, because in the course of talking someone encouraged me, that if I had faith in what I really believed then I should be willing to forget it all. Drop everything I have ever held on to and build my life again from scratch. I had had the nagging feeling for sometime that I needed to run the equivalent of a disk defragmenter on my mind. I remember back in my "Freedom" class in college one guy talked about the time he climbed a mountain and felt as if he had simply pushed a reset button. I've wanted that feeling for sometime.

Anyway, I say that because it sounds like a worthy goal for the summer. I am not sure three months is enough time to undo all of the nonsense I have learned, but I am going to try.