Why it still hurts

I think it's because I still think she might be a better person than me. For the longest time I trusted her more than I trusted myself. I try to only date girls where that is the case. Now that we have spilt, she doesn't seem to have any faith in me as a person. She doesn't trust my judgement. She doesn't want to listen to what I have to say. And the last few times we have spoken, her words cut right at what I worry most about myself. That I am cold, emotionally detached and angry... that I am too selfish for someone else. That I will always be lost in my own head, caught up in my own ideas.


But, the fact is I know that it's not true.My problem is that I just get caught up in my own head and lost in a world of ideas. I need someone who can pull me out of it. Yes, I do have a short temper, but I have met plenty of people who can make my anger melt like butter. She used to be able to do that, but because she has this image of me as a bitter, angry person, it seems everything I say makes her mad. It's just that right now I can only share that side of me with people who don't have any expectations for me, people who love me for who I am. I don't have to promise them anything. Even marriage. I know I could walk away, even for years, and if I knocked on their door they would welcome me back. Right now the list is small, it's just my family and the small group of friends I made high school.

I knew her love was contingent on one thing. Promising her I could love her forever. The fact is I don't know if I can. I can only promise I will try. It's not that I didn't want any strings, it's that I didn't want any expectations. I just wanted things to be simple and open. I know I need someone with the patience (and unconditional love) of my mother. I guess for a while I thought she had that and I still struggle with whether I really did something so bad to push her away. I know prior to her snapping at New Year's Eve, it was my fault. I was detached because I felt we were getting ahead of ourselves. I didn't know if I would ever get married and she was already somewhat seriously talking about engagement. Even if it wasn't to me, I knew she wanted to get married within the next few years.

After New Year's however, I made an attempt to really put myself out there, after she asked for it, once I saw she might have actually needed it (as opposed to wanting it). That's why I got so emotional. I expected her to take some time to get to know me. Who I really was, not who she thought I was. I had let her see some of me before, but there was a part of me that I kept guarded. I showed it to her, but she just covered her eyes, stuck her hands in her ears, and said i'm not listening, I don't believe it.

What bothers me more than anything was hurting someone I really cared about when I tried my best to be honest about the risks involved in dating me. I thought she understood what she was getting into. Maybe it just took her a while to realize that's what she had gotten herself into.