My Thoughts on Marriage

I wrote this around Christmas 2006, but my thoughts are largely the same... I would say I am much more open to the idea of casual relationships. Though there is MUCH MUCH MUCH to be learned from being in an intimate relationship with another person. It's so easy to get lost in your own head and your own ways. It's obviously nice to have someone from a practical perspective for companionship, but if that's the reason you're with someone, I still don't see a need to complicate things with marriage. This may change once I want kids... I had a friend who told me very clearly that this was why he got married. They shared similar values and he was ready to settle down. He didn't seem unhappy, but I wonder how he will feel in 5 years. Thankfully he is that much older than me, so I will have the opportunity to learn from his choices.

why is everyone in such a hurry??? I just don't understand the rush... i mean i understand the desire to find someone, but given that 50% percent of marriages end in divorce wouldn't it seem prudent to wait a little while longer, and make sure you're not being impulsive and letting your emotions take control, and to make sure you're at a point in your life where you and your spouse both won't be two entirely different people in 5 years.... just think of how much you have changed from freshman year of high school to when you graduated, then the first year of college... i can't imagine that process slows down, or that the person who was compatable with me at 17 would be at 22... or 25 or 30.... i have too many fundamental things yet to discover about the world and about myself....

more importantly, what I am trying to say is that I think far too many people view singleness as a plague, as if there is something wrong with them if they are not dating someone. It's just incredible to me that the time between most people saying they want to date someone and the time it takes for them to find someone is usually only a few months. I've had my eyes open for 5 years and have yet to meet anyone I could consider dating indefinitely, much less being married to. It took a long time for me to say that it is ok if i never meet anyone though I think there are certainly many people in the world that I could be happily married to happily... there are 6 Billion in the world. rougly 3 billion women. Say approximately 10% are in my age range - that's 300 million. Say i'm only attracted to 5% of those, that's 1 out of 20. That's 15 million women i'm attracted to. Now i have a certain level of intelligence, i want the top. .1%. Well, now it's down to 15,000. Then throw in similar tastes in music, film, investing, religion, sense of humor, and life goals. I'm sure it's still in the hundreds. But when you consider that they would normally be spread out over the world and contrast that with the fact that I have spent all of my life in South Carolina, i am not inclined to believe that i will find "her" (whatever that means) here, or anytime soon.... the odds of me running into one of those girls in my myopic travels, and then having the gall to go up and talk (and conincidentally assuming that she would also be attracted to me)to her are pretty low. So that being said, I typically assume that there are much better matches for me, additionally, considering I have already dated a few amazing girls in the past, i have very high expectations of what a relationship is, and how close two people really can become. That makes it really difficult to just enter into trivial relationships with other...

from that take this:
1) i believe in finding someone that i could have an amazing relationship with, and the odds of her existence are pretty high
2.) i think that not only is there someone that i could be happy with, but many people that i could be satisfied with for the rest of my life
3.) that the odds of finding someone necessarily aren't high, and i understand that. I have simply I accepted the that it might actually take time to find someone i could be with regardless of when I would like it to happen.... and that it may never happen

essentially: i am a realist, and i'm not waiting for a "soul mate" and i'm in no hurry - though i do believe in love


anyway, the second point of this was just to say please stop with all of the sappy Notebook love stories, i mean seriously, she was engaged and then cheated on her soon to be husband to be with another guy. In reality most of the girls who tell me they love the movie would probably call her a whore behind her back if they were her friend in real life, and I have yet to see what the two really had in common other than some youthful lust and sappy memories...

and could someone please tell me why this quote is so popular????

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

other than the fact that 2/3 of it is pure vanity and it assumes that every girl is physically beautiful to some guy, i have a few other objections.... (though i believe in the inherent worth of individuals from a Christian perspective) i cannot understand why every girl assumes she deserves this prima facie, and why this should be accepted as universal advice for all girls..... it's crap... i say show me your worth and THEN I will adore you, you may have inherent value, but you're not entitled to adoration just because you are a female... i say wait for the guy who cares to discover who you really are, and admires what he discovers. And i say to guys wait for the girl that has enough security that she doesn't need to you complement her like a high schooler to feel better about herself, and that she already understands that her beauty is a poor reason to ultimately love her since she will one day grow old, wrinkled, and gray haired. Why must he want to shout your beauty from the rooftops... i don't show myself off when i am in sweats (i don't wear sweats outside of my house as a matter of fact) why on earth would i ever want to parade my wife/gf around when she is at her lowest point... to prove how truly beautiful she is??? why do girls complain when guys focus on physical attraction but then ask to be valued as an object of physical adoration (i'm not justifying that male position, nor devaluing the initial important of physical attraction)??? how much better would it be to parade you around and tell his friends how intelligent you are, what a good person you are, and how beautiful your soul is... and are you so insecure that he must CONSTANTLY remind you how special you are, do you really want the meaning from such special words to evaporate within the first few weeks of a relationship from constant use? or is this some way of making people feel less guilty when its all over and they shared more of each other than they wish they did?

anyway, i just think too many people I know have twisted views on love, and a are far too easily satisfied with mediocre relationships. A guy is not a good guy because he opens doors for you, says sweet things, and calls you beautiful -- those are called manners and a coincidental physical attraction. Just because a guy doesn't cheat doesn't mean that he is a keeper - that is called a prerequisite for dating. Please stop reading Cosmo articles about how to please your guy in the bed and spend and use that energy to discover why singleness is so unappealing.

I apologize for sounding so cold, it is difficult for me to state disagrements without sounding condescending.....