This is something I wrote a few weeks ago, but a friend said the following to me while we were chatting on facebook...."its just what i write is kind of the only real, personal part of me that i feel happy about and attached to so when i show someone something that i write, its a deeper view."
so, I told her I would share something I had written a few weeks earlier about the different sides of myself that I had noticed in the context of my last relationship... It's a little maudlin, sorry in advance for the sappiness...
She sent me the following quote a long time ago. Her mom sent it to her...
There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.
I wear lots of masks. I am a pompous asshole who likes to prod and playfully pick at people. I get under people's skin. If I am angry when I am in this persona I can unleas the most cutting and hateful sentences on people. Other times, I am a scared insecure boy who is worried he will be a failure in life and die lonely buts tries really hard to impress people with a masquerade. I am also a manicial lunatic hoping only to conquer whatever intellectual quest I have set my mind too. I am a passionate teacher when I find an idea that I think has the power to shape the world for the better. But most of all I am a happy go lucky guy, watching life go by, smiling at it's contradictions and finding beauty in them. I'm usually a little too hyper and energetic when I am like this and it's annoying to some people. I think people told me I was gay when I acted like this so I tried to tame him and make him more masculine. Maybe that's where my asshole persona came from.
I remember early on in our relationship she told me I was like a guy who didn't want to wait in line, but did anyway and just made fun of the whole inefficent process while going along with it. That's who I am when I am at my best. I don't need approval from anyone. I speak truth. I don't stand in the way of the system in a negative way but my words and actions help to make it become better. I am happy. I think (maybe) that she loved this person. She was helping me to ressurect him. It was this persona that came out when we ran through shops together or danced naked in the middle of the road to Elton John when we went cross country.
She also has several sides to her. Sometimes she is an angry, cranky, diagreeable person. I hate this side of her, but she is her most independent when she is like this. The other is a scared, lonely and worrisome little child. I don't mind this one, and I wanted to help her grow out of this phase. The one I love best is the one that emerges just before she goes to bed. Not the nights when she was scared and lonely, but on the nights when she is safe and secure in my arms. She was still like a child, but a healthy one. One that was loved and knew that no matter what happened everything really was going to be ok. When she sets her worry and anger aside, she is the most amazing person. She finds beauty in everything. She is happy and I love her. There is also another side of her, which I have never actually spoken to, but I have read the voice of. It is her writing. She spoke to me in this tone once, and it startled me a little bit. I asked her what was going on, and she said it was the voice she used when she wrote. As I said, I don't know this side of her, but I like what it says. I wonder if this is her new phase of womanhood and she just hasn't figured out how to assert it in her daily life because it is so at odds with everything she has been. Maybe it's just a coping mechanism for the fact that life is tough and you have to be assertive to survive.
In the end, I wanted my happy go lucky boy to grow up with her happy secure little girl and to shed all the other bullshit we had piled on ourselves. There is just a lot of dirt on top of both of them and a lot of digging has to be done if we want to uncover them fully. Maybe that's why the idea of getting away was so appealing, so we could just start over an be ourselves without trying to impress anyone.