I don't know what I want

Private Island... Sunning on the beach...Racing on golf carts... private studio in a secluded mansion... all free and in perfect weather






Charleston in the spring.




Fine dining (yes, those are deep friend cheese grits)



   All this, thanks to the generosity of friends... and yet I still manage to find myself in a rut. I don't know what's keeping me down, but I've been a bit out of it the last few weeks. I guess it's the fact that I am not looking forward to going back to work (at least the kind I was doing before) and I have absolutely no clue what I want to do, given I can still easily change the course of my vocation. As much as I like novelty, uncertainty about my own future is very unsettling to me. I like having a plan I can loosely stick to. I do know that I am getting tired of playing and I have no interest in retirement (I do hope these two facts will help me to focus when I do have a clear mission), but I am beginning to get a little scared when a vacation can't even cheer me up.

     I met up with an old friend today. She is the girl that invited me to Mardi Gras. Anyway, she also knows an old roomate from college (we all went to college high school). They both know my old girlfriend (not my most recent) who also went to HS with us. Anyway, we were talking about breaking up and old relationships and she said my old room mate once told her "all Justin cares about in this world is Vidthya and music." It pushed me into my head for a little while and I got lost in thought (speaking of such things, I discovered the actual meaning of schizophrenia today and in the process of reading about it on Wikipedia I discovered one of the symptoms is schizophasia or "word salad" - munch on that). In many ways, it may have been true. I don't take many things very seriously. Music isn't even one of them, though I do derive a great deal of pleasure from it. I think I almost deify people once I start to love them. Maybe I just need a kid so I have something to pour myself into.... though that seems selfish and rather pointless.

    Anyway, that coupled with what I was reading the other day in the Radical Honesty book (basically refocusing on the fact that EVERYTHING is in our heads. Obviously we perceive light through our pupils and retina and then recreate images within our brain, then combine them with our other senses to for our ideas of reality, but I hadn't taken it to the next, obvious step, which is that our memories are also just what we choose to remember, not what actually transpired.) When I realized that my life is simply a dusty vestige of moments which may or may not have happened, it's pushed me into a bit of a downer later. It's hard to get motivated when you realize you are basing your entire life on wisps of fog.


  As for the details of the weekend... I had some fantastic Osso Bucco at a restaurant called Mercado. Though I felt like I was dining on the Titantic. The people we were having dinner with were going bankrupt because of some bad real estate deals, and are currently living off of lines of credit. They were nice people, but didn't seem to want to face the fact that their life was going to drastically change in a few months.. though I can't blame them or really even criticize.

I got a new iPhone because Apple doesn't do in store repairs.

I tried a very interesting Bourbon Beer (porter aged in bourbon oak casks) by Brooklyn Brewery. I doubt I will have it again anytime soon though as it's $20 a bottle.

I saw a bunch of alligators on the island. Found some cool driftwood that I left in the beach house as found art. I also found a half dozen conch shells





Sinuses were draining all weekend, and I am beginning to think it's allergies. Thankfully it is letting up. I don't think I have ever had allergy problems before with the exception of a few days last year when I was in CT. I assumed it was some tree I hadn't been exposed to down south.

I also started tossing around the idea of moving to Charleston this summer and my friend said she wasn't going to be at her apartment and if her landlord consented, I could use it for free. Could be an interesting few months.

My friend whose parents own a hotel will be visiting NYC for his graduation and he asked me to run it for them while they are away. I think I am going to do it, and will probably find it interesting, but it will mean I can't go on the Appalachian trail hike since it's at the same time.

I had a nice surprise waiting for me when I made it back home.... the tulips in my yard were blooming.

Ground breaking on the community garden is tomorrow. After that I am heading back to the coast (Myrtle Beach this time though) to go to a Widespread Panic concert (also free - a friend wanted to go, and offered to buy my ticket). This will definitely be a cultural experience. Hopefully I can squeeze in a run and a nap before we leave.