another wasted day

Well, there were two women in my life two days ago. Now there are none.

I was lonely when I had one and didn't have the other.

Now I feel whole. I was healed the day we said goodbye even though I didn't know it.

We've both got shit to deal with, but I hope we're both in a spot to do it own our own. If not, we can work around things though it will be difficult.

I'd lost my way the past few months, but I feel like I have gotten all the major pieces in place. I'm just waiting for the glue to dry now.


I visited my friend Stewart and fixed another of his neverending procession of computer problems. Had an interesting discussion about psychology versus instincts. He always manages to make me so irritable though, he's more stubborn than I am. I guess when you're 74 you have had plenty of time to get set in your ways. I showed him how to use netflix online and what hulu was as well. I got him to watch the Seventh Seal which is one of my favorite films. I watched about half of it with him. It's an incredible work. It's amazing how he is able to really take you back a thousand years to the crusades... or at least create a world that fails to resemble ours...

I went to a buffet for the first time in a long time today. It really is a separate class of people that eat there. It's an entire level below Walmart. I should start a website called people of Golden Corral. Maybe it was just when I went. Being the cheapskate that I am, I always enjoy getting something I didn't pay for. At this place, lunch is cheaper than dinner and ends at 4pm. So I predictably got there at 3:50. You have to be a bit peculiar to eat at this time of day. The crowd did begin to change by the time I left around 5:30. It was pretty depressing though. I felt like since I conciously decided to go there (and went by myself) that I somehow belonged there. It was a very troubling feeling. It made me want to go to church.

I ate and started reading a book a started months ago Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I don't like the author/main character. He's very cold and distant. I like what he says, and see parts of himself in me, but people like that, no matter how intelligent they are scare me. I need to see an ember of love deep inside someone'e heart and I only sense a cold dampness. Same goes for people who don't want kids. I don't know if I really want them either, but I certainly am more at ease with people who do. I guess it lets me know they have the capacity to care about something outside of themselves.... which is all love is, well at least the kind I am interested in. The thing is though, he has a kid, and wants the best for him, but he can't relate too him. Maybe he's just scared because he doesn't know what to do.

I came home and finished a movie I stared last night. You, the Living. It's a Swedish film made up of a series of very ordinary, stories of everyday life. It's supposed to be based on Goethe's poems, but I have no clue. I think it was just a marketing trick to make it seem more intellectual - it worked. I really liked the cinematography. It was a lot of still camera shots from interesting perspectives. Just as if you were a casual invisible observer watching a room, as stark as it was, it was still very artful. No zooming, no panning, just life unfolding unfront of the camera. It was very genuine. Then i took a nap.

I went to a St.Pat's day thing at USC. It was a poorly attended, but very good show. They had some dancers, poetry reading, and live music. Apparently there are Irish accordians as well as two types of bagpipes. They rounded out the trio with a fiddle. The music was heavenly, but maybe it was the acoustics in the chapel. Either way, I found out they play at Publick house on Sunday nights so I might start going at least once a month or so. If I ever get married, I would definitely consider having them play in it. The music was heavenly.... they'd make for a hell of a reception too.

I feel like tomorrow is going to be very productive.